I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Success! We fucked roommates!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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