Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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