He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
