and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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