fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
