At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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