we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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