You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
