Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
