Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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