In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
