Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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