You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
