My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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