Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
