how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
