did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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