What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
