It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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