Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Congratulations! We have a period
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