Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
