alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
