It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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