I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
