i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
