you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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