Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
