dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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