Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
