She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
There are leaves in my underwear?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
