you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize