My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
