i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
