Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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