My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
