I think i peed on brittanys purse
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
