Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
