you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
