if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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