If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
