I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
