Who did Billy Mays play for?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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