It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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