what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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