Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
