Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
