dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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