my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
