you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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