On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
