even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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