I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
