just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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