So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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