TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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