Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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