i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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