A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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