walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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