I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
