I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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